ADHD is NOT a superpower.
As a child I was hyperactive, always getting into trouble. I could never sit still, especially in the classroom. I was disruptive. I was loud. I used to run, a lot. As an adult I’m still just as hyperactive, but it appears in a different way now; inside my brain instead of in my body.
My brain doesn’t have an off-switch. I’m always thinking, there are no quiet moments. While some people get songs stuck in their head, I’ll get one song lyric or quote in my head, and it will be on repeat for days. Probably why I can remember every Rick and Morty quote, but can’t remember my best friend’s birthday.
When I’m interested in something, my brain is like a sponge. If you teach me something about coffee, for example, I’ll remember it forever. But if you try to teach me something I have no interest in, like how a car engine works, after the tenth time I still won’t understand.
When I start a new project I hyperfocus on it for hours, to the exclusion of everything else, including food and bathroom breaks. I recently spent 50+ hours making a productivity system in Notion to track my finances, my macros, my habits, everything… I haven’t looked at it since.
I’m very creative. I’m constantly having new ideas, and then picking those ideas apart from every angle. What if I had a social media-like news feed made up of photos from my phone that I could scroll through instead of instagram? I wonder if it’s been done? Better look that up. Would I build it in Notion? Let’s see what templates there are. What other apps are there? Hmmm, nothing quite like it. What photos would I put in there? Oh, I forgot about that temple in Japan. What about screenshots of messages? What about… Oops! It’s time to leave for work, and I haven’t made my lunch or anything! Oh shit, now I’m running late…
As well as getting easily distracted, I’m very forgetful. On the outside it would appear I have OCD, because everything I own has a set place. In reality this is a defence mechanism. If I don’t put the thing back in the exact same place it will take hours to find again later. I sometimes put things in the strangest places. Wait, why is the milk in the cupboard?
Sure, it’s funny to read about, but this doesn’t just happen with material things, it happens with people too. When I get a text I’ll either reply to it instantly, or not at all. Often I’ll read a message and think “I really want to give my full attention to this and write a proper response, I’ll do that later when I have time”… But then I forget entirely.
The milk doesn’t care if it was forgotten about. Friends do.
At some point I remember they exist, and that they messaged me. I quickly apologise, and stare at my phone screen waiting for a reply. When they don’t respond straight away my thoughts quickly spiral into all the reasons why they don’t like me, of how I’m a bad friend, and how I deserve to be lonely. So I follow up the apology with an essay-length message. Now I’m really stressed. Did I overshare? Do they even want to talk to me anymore? Should I have waited more than 7 seconds to message them again? What’s wrong with me?
The rumination never ends. I’m acutely aware of my heart pounding. My jaw hurts from clenching my teeth. Everything I planned to get done today has gone out the window. The anxiety is crippling. My mind is so loud. I roll myself up in my bed covers and try to sleep it off. But I can’t sleep. The thoughts are out of control.
I start to think that my life will never change, that I’m destined to be lonely forever, and to keep making mistakes. To make myself feel better I ignore the food in my fridge (that I spent hours making) and order something from Uber Eats. Delicious. But now I feel horrible because I ate too much, and spent money I shouldn’t have.
Impulse control has never been one of my strong suits, especially when I’m feeling down. And so I sabotage my plans, spend all my money, give up on things, quit jobs, end relationships…
See, my brain has only two concepts of time; “now” and “not now”. Delayed gratification doesn’t work. Whenever I start a new job, a new hobby or I move to a new place, it feels like whatever is happening in the current moment will be forever, and if I’m not happy with that version of forever I impulsively change it. Probably why in the last 10 years I’ve barely lived in the same house for more than 6 months.
This is a snapshot of how my brain works. For most of my life I thought these ‘quirks’ were just what made me who I am, but I’m realising that these traits are not so uncommon, especially in those with ADHD. I was diagnosed as a child, but it was never treated, and am now in the process of getting an adult assessment and diagnosis.
What I now know for sure is that ADHD is very misunderstood. Most of the symptoms are things everyone experiences to some extent, which is why it’s often discredited.
ADHD shows up in many different ways. While some people may be hyper-active, many will seem distant. Females are far less likely to be given a diagnosis as it shows up much differently than in males. It also shows up much differently in adults than in children. Regardless of how it shows itself, ADHD is a disability, a neurological disorder, and affects people's lives far more than just making them talk fast, get distracted or forget their house keys.
People with ADHD have been found to have weaker function in the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain responsible for regulating attention, emotion and behaviour. Some studies have shown that this part of the brain can be up to thirty percent under-developed, meaning the ADHD child who leaves home at eighteen years old may have the coping skills of a twelve year old. Read that again.